"Cocoa's Footprints Forever Rested In My Heart..."

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"That day was coming" for you my beloved Cocoa to be free of pain from arthritis and renal failure. I just didn't know when. A thousand times I had to wrestle with what is right for Cocoa. I watched close to a hundred videos to when is the right time to let your pet go. I've read many blogs and countless comments referencing my ordeal. I've sought advice from people who had experienced the pain of eventually putting their pets esp. dogs to their eternal sleep. Nothing seems to give me solace...
But the one thing that stuck with me to all of these "seeking" for the truth is what Cocoa's Vet said that it will be completely my decision, not others' perspective and there will be no passing judgment whatsoever. And that I have to consider the silver lining that Cocoa leaves some kind of dignity. After all, euthanasia is the most merciful favor you give your precious dog for such a time as this...a Christian couple told me.

And so that day came...
It was on the 26th of August. 
Coming downstairs at 6: am was a beautiful sight. Cocoa perked up, very slowly got up from sleeping down the edge of the couch. There, she waited for me to shout her name in a high pitched voice and I proceeded to pet her. For some unexplainable reason, she was a picture of a very happy dog: wagging tail, sweet face, bright eyes & just strutting by me towards the kitchen. She even licked my right leg that early morning. She waited patiently in her corner as she did for 14 years for her breakfast to be served. Cocoa had always been a great enthusiast for Science Diet food with a little portion of meat just enough to taste like human food. But no matter how much she wanted to please me to devour her food, she could just take a handful or maybe two. Having multiple health issues, I know she couldn't eat that much but still drinking the same amount of water.
She showed me that morning before I left for my first day of school to teach that she let me know that she still got it--all the routine she performed knowing somehow it was gonna be the last time.

That was the sign I prayed for...!

My son Josh drove my car as I stayed at the back, cuddling her. Oh. how I painstakingly struggled not to show any kind of sad emotion. I figuratively squeezed my heart valves not to cry and just pretend that we were going for a regular Vet appointment. On the way to the Vet hospital, we stopped by McDonald to buy Cocoa a hamburger and vanilla yogurt. She ate that hamburger like it was her last day. She didn't care about the vanilla yogurt so Joshua ate it with gusto.

If ever you had loved a dog, you know how hard it is to watch your dog loses her vitality, her senses, her equilibrium but her love & loyalty to you remain intact, undisturbed without a flaw.
For the last 2 months, I was her Hospice furry mom. I didn't blink or complain about what I had to do to keep her clean and loved. I owe her that much and more so, love her that much that at the end of the day, I had to honor and celebrate her life with me by doing the right thing for her--not to keep her longer for me but to let her go while she could still remember me, us...the forever bond I will carry wherever I am or will be.

So, when we got to the hospital, they put us in a room. TheVet asked me twice if I wanted to be present for the procedure. I said: "I am. I had prepared my heart for this." My son was hesitant to take pictures on the last moment of her life. But I insisted on capturing it. I understand the underlying pinnings of being there watching your loved one dies but for me, I wanted to feel her last heartbeat by me; and having had that opportunity I will always marvel it with all my love.

It was very quick...not even a minute that after the syringe was injected to her leg, she was gone. Meaning, Cocoa was more than ready. She was so tired. I knew that it was her choice, too, if only she could talk. Only then I realized that her love and loyalty swing along with me... Then it was time for me to let it out, all the tears I withheld so hard so she won't be distressed and emotionally charged. Nothing you can tell me at that moment will I hear. The Vet advised me to take a deep breath that my pain might overtake me. In that very moment, I wanted to...and I did. All the pent-up grief reverberated in that hospital walls. I almost lost it completely.
She was sleeping like a big puppy dog in my arms. I had her ashes in a beautiful ceramic vase resting on my fireplace ledge; her beautiful paws printed out in a card and some of her chocolate hair or coat saved in a little jar.
Fourteen years and twenty-two days may be enough to some, and perhaps for some, I should be thankful that she exceeded her life expectancy because dogs live for only a decade and if lucky enough, 4 years is an overflow...

Three weeks to date, I'm still grieving. However, one day very soon, that day will come when all I have left is pure gratitude and thankfulness that God let me had her this long. 

I love you, Cocoa!

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