Happy 13th Birthday Tootsie...

"Cocoa's Footprints Forever Rested In My Heart..."

Add caption

"That day was coming" for you my beloved Cocoa to be free of pain from arthritis and renal failure. I just didn't know when. A thousand times I had to wrestle with what is right for Cocoa. I watched close to a hundred videos to when is the right time to let your pet go. I've read many blogs and countless comments referencing my ordeal. I've sought advice from people who had experienced the pain of eventually putting their pets esp. dogs to their eternal sleep. Nothing seems to give me solace...
But the one thing that stuck with me to all of these "seeking" for the truth is what Cocoa's Vet said that it will be completely my decision, not others' perspective and there will be no passing judgment whatsoever. And that I have to consider the silver lining that Cocoa leaves some kind of dignity. After all, euthanasia is the most merciful favor you give your precious dog for such a time as this...a Christian couple told me.

And so that day came...
It was on the 26th of August. 
Coming downstairs at 6: am was a beautiful sight. Cocoa perked up, very slowly got up from sleeping down the edge of the couch. There, she waited for me to shout her name in a high pitched voice and I proceeded to pet her. For some unexplainable reason, she was a picture of a very happy dog: wagging tail, sweet face, bright eyes & just strutting by me towards the kitchen. She even licked my right leg that early morning. She waited patiently in her corner as she did for 14 years for her breakfast to be served. Cocoa had always been a great enthusiast for Science Diet food with a little portion of meat just enough to taste like human food. But no matter how much she wanted to please me to devour her food, she could just take a handful or maybe two. Having multiple health issues, I know she couldn't eat that much but still drinking the same amount of water.
She showed me that morning before I left for my first day of school to teach that she let me know that she still got it--all the routine she performed knowing somehow it was gonna be the last time.

That was the sign I prayed for...!

My son Josh drove my car as I stayed at the back, cuddling her. Oh. how I painstakingly struggled not to show any kind of sad emotion. I figuratively squeezed my heart valves not to cry and just pretend that we were going for a regular Vet appointment. On the way to the Vet hospital, we stopped by McDonald to buy Cocoa a hamburger and vanilla yogurt. She ate that hamburger like it was her last day. She didn't care about the vanilla yogurt so Joshua ate it with gusto.

If ever you had loved a dog, you know how hard it is to watch your dog loses her vitality, her senses, her equilibrium but her love & loyalty to you remain intact, undisturbed without a flaw.
For the last 2 months, I was her Hospice furry mom. I didn't blink or complain about what I had to do to keep her clean and loved. I owe her that much and more so, love her that much that at the end of the day, I had to honor and celebrate her life with me by doing the right thing for her--not to keep her longer for me but to let her go while she could still remember me, us...the forever bond I will carry wherever I am or will be.

So, when we got to the hospital, they put us in a room. TheVet asked me twice if I wanted to be present for the procedure. I said: "I am. I had prepared my heart for this." My son was hesitant to take pictures on the last moment of her life. But I insisted on capturing it. I understand the underlying pinnings of being there watching your loved one dies but for me, I wanted to feel her last heartbeat by me; and having had that opportunity I will always marvel it with all my love.

It was very quick...not even a minute that after the syringe was injected to her leg, she was gone. Meaning, Cocoa was more than ready. She was so tired. I knew that it was her choice, too, if only she could talk. Only then I realized that her love and loyalty swing along with me... Then it was time for me to let it out, all the tears I withheld so hard so she won't be distressed and emotionally charged. Nothing you can tell me at that moment will I hear. The Vet advised me to take a deep breath that my pain might overtake me. In that very moment, I wanted to...and I did. All the pent-up grief reverberated in that hospital walls. I almost lost it completely.
She was sleeping like a big puppy dog in my arms. I had her ashes in a beautiful ceramic vase resting on my fireplace ledge; her beautiful paws printed out in a card and some of her chocolate hair or coat saved in a little jar.
Fourteen years and twenty-two days may be enough to some, and perhaps for some, I should be thankful that she exceeded her life expectancy because dogs live for only a decade and if lucky enough, 4 years is an overflow...

Three weeks to date, I'm still grieving. However, one day very soon, that day will come when all I have left is pure gratitude and thankfulness that God let me had her this long. 

I love you, Cocoa!

Add caption

Happy Happy Birthday, Cocoa!

It's your birthday my beautiful, wonderful, loyal, intelligent, courageous, kind, loving, quirky dog, Cocoa! You are more than a very sweet chocolate lab to me. You are my forever muse, my blessing from God. I hope that in your "doggie" mind & heart that you understand how very grateful I am to be your mom. You are an inspiration to me. My heart is in a better place because of you. You are the reason why I'm not obese. You always encourage me to go walk with you in recreation parks, by the pond, creek and even in the meadows which we love the most. I see the trees and flowers more robust & the grass greener because of your perception of them. Everything that is close to my heart you seem to recognize it. One afternoon, I was playing guitar and singing "At your Feet" by Melissa Greene version and you were asleep where I could see you so content sleeping, so I thought. But when I hit the chorus of the song, you were barking to match the melody. That moment, I knew that I will love you forever. You were about seven or eight years old at that time.
Together we've accumulated hundreds of miles walking/ jogging together for 14 years. Now you look old, frail & very sensitive. All of your faculties and so do I have been minimized to a point where we both need help. Arthritis & renal failure have savaged your health but not your mind. You still can remember your routine. You are always on time for your meals. You let me know how it's done. I remember when I forgot to shut the backyard fence gate, you let me know by running to the front door and you started barking. You know my fears. When I didn't let you play with the other dogs because some dogs are just ferocious and I needed to be right there with you, you understood. You didn't whine. You're a good dog. An extraordinary dog for all I know.
I'm getting senile too in a way but when I see your eyes full of love for me, every moment with you is the pinnacle of our unbreakable bond.
They might say she's just a dog but to me, Cocoa is better than some human beings. Some people commit the most heinous acts and have filthy mouths. Dogs, however, just want to serve you in any capacity, love you in the most meaningful way.
I love you so much Cocoa & Happy Happy 14th Birthday in Human years. Thank you to my sisters Lyn & Midred who came to celebrate Cocoa's birthday. Blessing & Tootsie, too. You guys are my biological sisters & sisters in Christ who have the most thoughtful & loving hearts for animals especially dogs and that shows. I'm forever grateful for what you've shown Cocoa, my beloved dog...Most of all I thank You Lord for blessing me Cocoa. My life has been transformed into quiet, reserved, joyous adventures in every walk I & Cocoa traversed...

"My July Snapshots"

Tootsie is "enjoying how putting her two front paws in that small body of water could be such a relief from walking with mom half a mile then go again. Pulling her out of that
scenic posture is almost a sin

Receiving a rose with your certificate of completion for a church empowered class is
noteworthy. This is one of the classes I'm proud I pursued to finish. I have learned
so much about what the Bible says about life after death.

What a lovely rose can do...Smile

Cocoa, on her feet. No hitting the ground or stumbling...
I wish that she could stay that way forever strong & courageous. 

Cocoa & Tootsie, still not getting along except when there's a fence
between them. You would think that Cocoa would be nicer now to Tootsie
now that she's sick. Nevertheless, Cocoa doesn't look like she's fighting
for her life.

Going to an evening of Embrace Women gathering @ Grace Church.
With everything going on in my life right now, there's nothing hinders me to
Praise the Lord...I come to church expecting, "that something good is about to happen."

"My Fur Ever Chocolate Lab..."

 Thanksgiving, 2015

July 2019



 Driving her to the Vet Clinic with my son Josh two weeks ago felt like an abyss...The vet said, "Sorry for the sad prognosis. Cocoa has severe arthritis with acute renal failure. I give her 6 mos. to live. Don't put her down now. Wait till the winter comes..."
The definition of sadness, grief-stricken, bottomless pit, agony, hopelessness in the Webster Dictionary does not anywhere convey or closer to how I was losing my mind, heart & soul to the bone. How am I going to gauge the right time to put her to sleep? Should I keep her longer for me till she dies naturally or should I end her misery? That is conflicting and debatable. I don't even believe in euthanasia whether in humans or in dogs. But I believe God will mutter into my heart the right thing to do.
Right now, I am focused on taking good care of her, like family hospice care. Cleaning up after her is the least I can do for all the immeasurable joys she let me experience with her. She's still eating, drinking water and still cognizant of her surroundings, home with me, Josh & Tootsie, my other lovely, wise dog.
One late afternoon, this surge of emotion to cry out loud just happened in the living room. I was circling the coffee table with my hands up high praying to God what would he want me to do in this situation. I was weeping uncontrollably. I know that she is a dog but the way she inspired me to live better is more than just coming from a furry, four-legged dog. My life evolved to endearments, blissful quietude that only Cocoa & I shared for more than 14 years.
These days, she's been sleeping a lot. She can only walk a few yards then hits the ground. It takes her about 5 to 7 minutes to regain energy so that she could walk again. I won't say she's incontinent now because I could still see that she still has the zeal in her eyes to live. I don't want to be the one to cut her life short for I will carry that thorn regrettably for the rest of my life.
I love you so much Cocoa!

The only car Cocoa had ever ridden...our car together!

Mid-Spring of 2016

FeeFeeling cozy with Cocoa after 2 miles of walk in the park, Early Summer of 2016

At Lion's Park, Early Summer of 2016

Assuring Cocoa, "Be back in 2 nights--Going to Florida

At The Pet Med, Summer of 2016

Fall, 2018

Early Summer, 2016

At the Pet Med Center waiting Area, 2017

Christmas, 2016

First Week of December 2017

My Music Video Selection for this Month, July"

One thing I know for sure is that music, a good song anyway always relieves depression even for just a moment. If what you're listening to can impact how solitude changes to a grin, a chuckle that reaches your heartstring, that is then the music of the soul...

That moment will bring you to remembrance that your scars are yours to keep. They could be a good testimony to help others fight their battles, helping you to see that you're not alone. Let that sink in you, in us. There is no greater hope that putting all your trust in the Lord.

Happy First of July!

"That Place Where You Always Come Back To..."

Oh, the waking moments in your life are the most dismal. Where you've been, how you've let things happen without a fight, just letting life goes and runs its course because it's hard to grow a hard spine on your back. The same thing happens when your dreams, goals, and hopes remain dormant because you let limited resources limit what you're able to do.

Life is hard you say...It's dry. It's cumbered with human frailties & obscurities. You don't know who to trust your heart because some people don't have it. They're harsh and rude. So we accept the unacceptable ways of people because they're human. They have unresolved childhood traumas and therefore we let their unspeakable behavior slide. They have been hit with unsurmountable ordeals that we need to understand their lifestyle. So, what's your incredible excuse why you're at the level of almost to nothingness?

I have a lot of excuses, too. I live with them not had dealt with them. I stopped envisioning good things for myself. Don't even know why. That's a great excuse or escape--denying the existence of reality because they're too overwhelming and piercing. It even makes your head spin and your heart skips a beat. What's there to look forward to? The Bible says, His new mercies are new in the morning; that you are a living miracle because you're still breathing and know Jesus. 

My thoughts may have been hijacked by perilous times that I lost my equilibrium of faith. I guessed, I never really knew what I'm made up internally; that I allow obscurities and the mundane poverty of life shackled and forbid me to live a life destined for me. I never really chased hard at something or someone to get me where  I want to be. It's all just a dream that sleeps in my head.

Random thoughts like these are pitiful. You're giving the devil a field day. There's that place in your being built with the grace of the Almighty God. Only in that place where you can be untouchable and lovable. Only the love of God can nurture and protect that place in your heart.

I always go back to that place when no eyes and ears lend me...